Being in a relationship with a narcissist is very emotionally draining and can impact your mental
health. You find that you feel
guilty for things that aren't really your fault. You find that what your partner told you last week is now denied by them this week.
Keep in mind that these 10 signs of a narcissist don't happen right
away - they can come on slowly. The beginning of a relationship with a
narcissist is usually fast-paced and the narcissist tells you are the
best thing that has ever happened to them. However, things start to
change.
1. You are being isolated from your family and friends.
"Why do you need to visit your aunt? You visited her last month."
"She's still in the hospital."
"Like I said, you visited her last month."
Time you spend away from the narcissist is time that they can start to become unglued.
Projection
is one of the hallmark signs of the narcissist. If they are cheating
(more common with narcissists than in others), they will accuse you of
cheating. These accusations ramp up when you go out of town or engage in
an activity without them. Also, time away means less attention for
them.
2. They try to pit you against others.
The narcissist will use phrases like, "Everyone knows that you aren't
good to me"; "Sally said that I should just leave you, she knows what
you are like"; "Harry said he'd be happy to be with me".
Keep in mind that "everyone", "Sally", and "Harry" may not have said
those things. It is a way for the narcissist to gain control, make you
feel "less than", and isolate you from others.
When you confront Sally and Harry, they tell you they never said
anything of the sort to the narcissist. When you confront the
narcissist, they say "Of course they told you they never said that. How
stupid of you to ask."
3. The rules apply to you, not them.
They cheated - and you are expected to
forgive
them. If you hadn't spend so much time with the kids, the narcissist
says, they would have gotten their needs met and they wouldn't have
cheated. However, in a healthy relationship you would communicate about
not having your needs met instead of cheating. Also, you will never meet
the narcissist's needs - it is a bottomless pit of need. And if you so
much as
look at another person, the narcissist questions your fidelity and may resort to calling you names. (See "projection" above.)
4. You never seem good enough.
They say they cheated on you because you weren't as fun anymore.
"It's your fault" is a common theme of the narcissist - they may say it
directly or indirectly. When the initial "honeymoon" phase of a
relationship ends (as it does in all relationships), the narcissist
starts looking for ways you can improve. They also tend to comment on
your appearance, sometimes in direct ways "That outfit looks terrible"
or in indirect ways "What's that spot on your face?"
5. You get "pay back" for defying them.
If you break the narcissist's rules, get ready for the blowback. Narcissists will let you know when they've suffered a "
narcissistic injury."
As with an abusive relationship, blow-ups are followed by
reconciliation. However, keep in mind that when you reconcile with the
narcissist, the next blowup (and it's coming) will be bigger than the
last one. Each time there is a blowup, emotional abuse may start ramping
into verbal abuse - and then ramp up into physical abuse.
6. They are competitive - to a fault.
They find out you are a good singer - they start singing in a band.
You tell them that you aren't feeling well. All of a sudden they get
sicker than you. They may point out that they are better than you at
something - and they may say it in front of other people. They tell you
they know more about
therapy than your therapist. Being better that the narcissist at something is not an option for them.
Narcissists tend to spend an excessive amount of time on their
appearance and looking at themselves in the mirror. They will flex
their muscles for no apparent reason. A narcissist can't just walk by a
mirror - they have to stop and look. They want to make sure they are
the most attractive person.
7. They tell you others are out to get them.
Those jerky coworkers of theirs just don't know greatness when they
see it - it can't possibly be that they just have reached their limit
with the narcissist. You know how their sister forgot their birthday? It
couldn't possibly be because she is in the hospital giving birth. "It's
obvious," the narcissist says, "that she is just a b***h." It is never
the narcissist's fault. Narcissists have
ego-syntonic behavior -
they think everyone else has the problem, not them. Read next about the
narcissist using degrading words when referring to others.
8. They describe their exes in unflattering or degrading terms.
When someone consistently refers to their exes as "that b****h" or
talks about how the ex did them wrong in all of their relationships,
there's a common theme there - the narcissist. Degrading terms tend to
be used by the narcissist when talking about past relationships. Also
keep an eye out for any stories of past relationships where the
narcissist says it was all the ex's fault.
9. They use the silent treatment.
In a healthy relationship, sometimes people need a "time out" to
collect their thoughts or calm down. In a short period of time, they are
ready to connect with their partner and/or talk things out. With
"silent treatment," the narcissist just plain refuses to communicate
with you. This is a way to get power and control, and throw you
off-kilter. Sometimes the silent treatment occurs after the narcissist
feels like you have slighted them in some way. However, they don't tell
you why you're getting the silent treatment, and you really have no idea
what caused it.
10. Your needs are met with silence, or you just get lip service.
"Can you help me with the kids' science projects tonight? I've had a long day at work."
*Silence*
"Hey, did you hear me? I need your help."
"Yeah, sure, I'll do it."
*Narcissist remains seated on the couch*
Either your requests for help are ignored, or the narcissist tells
you they will help and never follow through. Pay attention to the
difference in the narcissist's
talk and their
actions. There's usually a big difference between the two.
If you find you are in a relationship with a narcissist, seek the
help of a mental health clinician for individual therapy. Narcissists
can be volatile, so if you feel you or your children's safety is being
compromised, contact your local
domestic violence hotline or shelter.
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